shitty

Yeah, its shitty again. Just this time, I screwed it up, for good. I wanted to do it properly, just as planed. Well, it didnt worked out, not at all. How pathetic I must be. Weel, in general, it wasnt that bad today. ´was working, as usuall, just get tired, as usuall. I got to do the billing process, the first step, and create the tables (Excell..How I hate U). Than rush to home, and faint into the monitor, and NFS Carbon and NWN2. Its sad, that Rhilen didnt even see the first one, bute hate it, just because its a car game. His choise. The other, well, sometimes annoying and difficult, but the feeling..as good as the first one.
But why I am whimping is because of the evening (night?) I just got tired, and wanted to go home. But I saw thet the Beloved is playing. At last. And she is enjoing herself very much. At last, again. So I planed to tell her softly, to just stay, even without me (I wont get sad, or somethin´). Well This was planed, and what happened? I think, I totally screwd it up. She taught that I rudely interrupted her discussion and forced her to leave (forced her emotionaly).
Well, if I wanted to keep up continouity, that to continue the shitty moood, that I am just keeping a fine progress. I am a professional bad mooder right now. Again I made a mistake and ´ve done something bad. Again. When will it end? (until I die, I know that, sy something new). I dont wanna live, right now. I just want to fade away. I just want to slip into darkness, just sleep, and dont want to hurt anyone. I didnt intended to do so, bbuta t the end, it all reveals as I am the bully, the bad ass.
And I am.